Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
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me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.