So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
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Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.