“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
You Might Also Like
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams