Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping