[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.