So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
remember
only for emergencies
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time