Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead