Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
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I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Get off my horse you stupid moon