A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
*has no idea what a book even is*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program