Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”