my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
You Might Also Like
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
me opening up to someone