Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”