Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
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3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.