Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.