Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
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Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
*shrugs*
*swipes right*