Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.