Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I feel seen.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.