“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.