So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.