Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
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cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Who.
Did.
This?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE