[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
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reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.