Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.