Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
You Might Also Like
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”