[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
<—- homeless romantic
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is