I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
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I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?