me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
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Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Scream sneezers need love too.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.