The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets