Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I occasionally drink every single night.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Tastes like chicken.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?