Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.