How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]