The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
How to draw a duck
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR