HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time