Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..