Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
You Might Also Like
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]