Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Attention children:
Mom is closed.