Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.