I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
You Might Also Like
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him