[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
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My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Me too, bag. Me too….
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*