I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks