Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
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Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.