Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy