Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live