[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
best first i’ve ever seen
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.