Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
#ProTip
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.