6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
When life hands you women, make women laid.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.