Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
mom gave me mine for free
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
me hitting on a model
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.