Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
when you order from DoorDastardly
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??