what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
You Might Also Like
these two trucks have the same bed length
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Wake me when AI does housework
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Cat is stressing him out.