There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
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Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.