[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The fall of Netflix
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too